Dating women runners


By Jack McDermott

I would like to take this opportunity to talk about a very important social issue — V.D. No, get your minds out-of-the-gutter, I am talking about Valentine’s Day. I guess women are more attracted to wealth and power than race times because despite my running improvement, I was once again without a partner for the couples caper. This was probably for the best as I am told that some women are fiercely competitive at this event. I have even heard a rumor that a certain female athlete threatened to withhold marital favors if her spouse did not achieve certain mile splits. Talk about pressure.

Back to my social life, Valentine’s Day itself was better because I bribed a running friend into being my Valentine’s Date. (And so you know – it was a real woman too — not a blow-up doll like last year). This prompted a jealous male co-worker to ask me about tips for dating women runners. This guy is a non-runner who has expressed a genuine interest in dating women runners due to their low body fat.

I told him that I do not have a lot of experience in this area due to a cultural phenomena that allows lean women to be more selective in dating men. (Translation – most will not date either of us.) Not only that, my application to be on “Temptation Island” was rejected when network officials determined that the only thing I would tempt a woman to do – would be to join a convent. (Which apparently does not produce good Neilsen Ratings). However, as a keen observer of the female of the species, I could not pass on the opportunity to comment. I hope this advice helps any men who are considering dating a female runner.

The Dinner Date – If you invite her to a nice restaurant and she wears a slinky black evening gown and racing flats – do not ask her about open-toed shoes. The truth is she probably has four toenails missing and is a little self-conscious about it. Just pretend you do not notice, and the date will go fine.

Diet – Never ask, “Is that on your running diet?” For women, running is like being pregnant. They have bizarre cravings and you better just give her what she wants, or you may get hit with a frying pan.

Planning – Women Runners are not regular people. They do not eat regularly, they do not sleep regularly, and they may not ovulate regularly. You just need to learn to be flexible and “go with the flow.”

Kids – If you date a woman with kids, this will obligate you to be a surrogate father for the Sunday morning run and Tuesday intervals at a minimum. To make your “kid duty” more tolerable, I recommend dating a women with older kids so you do not have to do diapers. Do not convince yourself that you will not have diaper accidents during your short baby-sitting stints. Let’s just say that sometimes sh** happens.

Warm-Up – When she says she “needs to warm-up” – do not get excited. This is not a code word for foreplay. Most likely you will end up holding her extra clothes and purse as she goes off to get hot and sweaty – alone.

In-the-Mood – If she says, “I’m too tired,”– do not question it. She is probably exhausted from her work-out and her recovery plans may not include you. However, if she says, “I have a headache,” I would be a bit skeptical because most women runners take so much Advil that headaches are not within the realm of possibility.

Self-Sufficiency – If you date a women runner, you will need to learn to take care of yourself. If you go to cheer her on at a marathon, do not hold up a sign at the 20-mile mark that says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” If you ask her to fix dinner after the race, do not be surprised if you are eating “Power Gel Al-a-Mode.” Also, since women runners need fresh workout clothes, remember that just because she is doing laundry all-of-the-time, does not mean she wants to do your laundry all-of-the-time.

Make-Up – Contrary to what you have seen on Battle-of-the-Network Stars, women athletes do not wear make-up during athletic competitions. Get used to it. After a long race they may not smell “fresh as a daisy” either. Just crack the car window on the way home, and get used to it.

If this stuff really works, I may decide to make an instructional video for men. Some working titles that I am considering include: “Dating Women Runners – Going the Distance” or “Dating Women Runners – Don’t Bonk Out”, or “How to let a Woman Run Your Life”.

In any case, as this Valentine’s Day comes to a close, may we all find that special someone who can tolerate us for the fools we really are.