By Jack McDermott
Once again it is the time of year for my favorite holiday – Groundhog’s Day. It reminds of Thanksgiving except we do not eat the mascot – which is for the best because I am told that Groundhog is the one animal that does not taste like chicken. Instead of saying thanks for our blessings, during this holiday we say thanks to vermin for determining our weather patterns.
If the groundhog sees his shadow, then we will see six more weeks of sweat pants, fluffy caps, mittens and layers of clothing. If he does not, then Spring is here and we are back to shorts and sportsbras. Needless to say – I am rooting for the sportsbras.
During this winter, I have learned two things about running in cold weather: 1) It makes things smaller; and 2) bodily fluids can freeze. (And if you are clever, you can see the relationship between the two). Since groundhogs are not indigenous to Tallahassee, on February 2nd I will be outside with my guinea pig, Rousseau, looking for his shadow. Hopefully, we will see no shadow, Spring is here, and I will be wearing nothing but a sportsbra at the Flash 12K. See you there.
The Crystal Ball
In the last issue of the Fleet Foot, I used some ouija boards and tarot cards to take a peek at the club in the year 2010. Last time I looked at the grand prix schedule, while this month, I decided to look at the future of some of the more notable members of our track club. I regret to say, the future looks pretty grim for most of our runners.
In the year 2010, Bob Prentiss is living in exile in Mongolia after being indicted on embezzlement charges relating to his treasurer’s duties. His duplicity was discovered due to an accounting irregularity with the No T-Shirt option. Lynn Powell died in a tragic pirahana attack in the inaugural South American Iron-Man triathlon in Santiago, Chile. In a somber ceremony that was combined with a Sunday Social, her ashes were scattered along the Springtime Tallahassee course. Julie Clark started a dot.com, became rich, and has since retired and is now living on her estate on the French Riviera. She has become quite lazy and now pays servants to run local 5K races on her behalf.
Mary Jean Yon has aged better than husband David, and has beaten him in five consecutive races. Not gracious in victory, her endless taunting has caused the Yons to seek marriage counseling to work out their “running issues.” Dennis Silverman was last spotted on the Left Bank in Paris drinking cognac and flirting with embarrassingly young waitresses which is quite interesting since he only knows 12 words in French. He has had checkered success with the pick-up line: “Mon Cherie, you are my little tub of rancid butter”. Dennis has also been using the creative atmosphere to develop another excuse to avoid running the Tucson Marathon. Sarah Williams has retired from running, and is instead focusing on her speed-skating comeback. She moved to northern Saskatchewan to train for the 2010 Winter Olympics although she suffered a major setback after a rare polar bear attack.
Sue Kelly moved to Eastern Oregon and joined a new age cult that practices running, nudism, and vegetarianism. The group is preparing its members for the prophesized Second Coming — of George McGovern. Jack McDermott is still pursuing his dream of becoming a writer, and is now writing Hallmark Greeting Cards. Commensurate with his skill, he has been relegated to the more obscure holidays – like Groundhog’s Day. (“If winter makes you more potent — Pray for a shadow under the rodent.”)
Kathy McDaris is the president of the new Quintathlon Associates Club (“QUACK”). In the year 2010, Triathlons have gone out of style with the new sport being Quintathlons (five events). Along with the traditional swimming, biking, and running, the participants also do llama riding, and gardening. Current President Paul Hiers faced impeachment proceedings due to his alleged affair with GWTC intern Veronica Lewinski. His wife is now a United States Senator from New York.
Judy Alexander is president of the track club in 2010, and took it upon herself to spend the mysterious “building fund” which has been accumulating over the last 10 years. Since a real building was too expensive, she insisted that the track club purchase a converted tool shed in the middle of Apalachicola National Forest. Now all GWTC board members have to do a good trail run once a month in order to meet. Laura Jensen has given up on men, but not on running when she joined a convent. She has been doing a lot of speed work, and has made it “a habit” to appear in uniform at local road races. As one may guess, she is now known by her nickname: “The Flying Nun”. Rex Cleveland is busy writing his memoirs about his trials and tribulations as a Fleet Foot editor. In the last chapter he states that his biggest regret about the job was printing the Back of the Pack article, “just this one time.”
In conclusion, things like pretty bad for the future, so we all better appreciate our good health and good fortune in 2001. If you are upset at any of these potentially libelous statements — Don’t sue me — sue the Fleet Foot! I am just an innocent pawn in the chess game of life.