Ode to Jimmy the Spleen


By Jack McDermott

Let me tell you of something I’ve seen
It’s about the tale of Jimmy “the Spleen”
His wife told him that
He was getting too fat
He joined Gulf Winds, so he could get lean

His first race — he decided for fun
To support girl-scouts at the 5K Cookie Run
He ate too many thin mints
Developed some shin splints
After one mile – he puked and was done

Jim trained harder – was tougher than nails
He signed up for the short Rails-to-Trails
Like his wife Pat
It was totally flat
He tried hard – but in the end he still fails

Then he tried Tallahassee’s Springtime
Jim got drunk — tequila and green lime
He was having a ball
Missed one turn on Thornall
Found a pay-phone and begged for a dime

One Saturday not meaning any malice
He told his wife to come watch him run Palace
But like a dumb loon
He met a girl in the Saloon
And his wife caught him flirting with Alice

At the track meet – Jim thought he’d save face
Because he actually might finish a race!
But in the 100-meter dash
Pulled his groin in a flash
Jim’s wife said: “Boy, what a waste.”

What his wife wanted – Jim couldn’t believe her
A baby girl, so they tried to conceive her
But as Jim’s mileage did mount
Down went his sperm count!
So they purchased a Labrador Retriever

At Tom Brown – Jim finally gained fame
Hurt his spleen, and earned his nickname
He heard a loud “smack”
‘Twas a freak bear attack!
After the race – Jim was never the same

For the Pine Run – Jim thought he would blaze
Brought his dog – everyone was amazed
But one of its habits
Was chasing young rabbits
It ran off and was missing for days

At Thanksgiving, Jim sort of forgot
A family dinner – he was at the Turkey Trot
He felt no remorse
His wife filed for divorce
He cut the course short – and somehow got caught

As the date for the divorce had been set
Jim went to the awards banquet
As the best runners were dubbed
He found out – he was snubbed!
And once again — Jim felt all wet

For reasons that no one knows why
Jim changed sports, and trained for a “Tri”
Himself he’d embarrass
Called Kathy McDaris
Said, “I can swim” which was a white lie

The next part is not very funny
Jim’s ex-wife got all of his money
I’ll give you a hint
He drowned in a “sprint”
At least his funeral was sunny

In conclusion – I hope you all could
Pray for Jim – he really was good
Although slightly a boozer
He was not really a loser
Just eccentric and misunderstood