By Jack McDermott
The National Commission on Elections has sanctioned one final debate to include Ralph Nader (Green Party), Pat Buchanan (Reform), Al Gore (Dem) and George Bush (Republican). The debate took place in the swing state of Florida. Here is the transcript:
MODERATOR: Gentlemen … as our last topic, we would like all four candidates to state their position on the 1 cent sales tax extension for the Greenways/Trailways in Tallahassee Florida —
NADER: To quote my favorite philosopher, Kermit the Frog, “It’s not easy being green.” I am in the green party. I support running, and I support trees.
GORE: That’s nothing! I invented trees. I invented running, too!
BUSH: OK, why do we need trees to run?
BUCHANAN: You have it all wrong. The issue isn’t trees … it’s people.
BUSH: People need trees?
BUCHANAN: Of course not. People need jobs. We have at least 20 unemployed cement-mixers in the Tallahassee area, and if we could just turn the Fern trail into a shopping mall … these people could feed their families.
BUSH: Do trees vote?
NADER: All right … what does bulldozing trees have anything to do with “reform”? Aren’t you a Republican, Pat?
GORE: I invented reform.
BUCHANAN: The answer is simple. We will “reform” the trees into a parking lot. We’ll “reform” the squirrels into roadkill, and we’ll “reform” the runners into Burger King drive-up window associates.
BUSH: I still don’t know what “reform” means. Is that Latin? I was never very good at Latin.
NADER: If trees could vote they’d vote for me. If runners could vote they’d vote for me. Apparently there are not that many trees or runners otherwise I’d have more than 4% in the polls.
BUSH: OK … so trees do vote. The more important question is … did they donate money to my campaign?
GORE: Excuse me. This Nader guy is really beginning to annoy me. With all of his environmental views — he sounds more like me than I do.
NADER: I never liked you, Al.
BUSH: My dad was president. My dad was really smart.
BUCHANAN: OK … so you’re adopted?!?!
BUSH: I heard that! Pat — what can’t you ever say anything positive?
BUCHANAN: OK, George. I positively don’t like you.
BUSH: Thank you. That’s better.
NADER: Excuse me! We’re getting off-track. The issue is trees!
BUSH: Christmas trees? When is Christmas? Is it December 14th like last year?
GORE: I’m not really sure. I’ll ask my Jewish vice presidential candidate … maybe he’ll know. Isn’t that one of those Jewish holidays like Columbus Day? I get them all confused.
BUCHANAN: That reminds me. All of you talk about inclusion, but do you realize that I am the only presidential candidate to have a minority woman as a running mate?
GORE: Yeah, Pat, but you still don’t know her name.
BUCHANAN: Sure I do … it’s Shiela something.
NADER: I don’t think I have a running mate. I think I forgot to pick one. Can I pick a tree? I want to have a tree as vice president.
BUCHANAN: Well … at least you’re Vice President will have more personality than Bill Clinton’s vice president.
GORE: I heard that! I have personality! Infact I’m still inventing it. For example …. why did the chicken cross the road? ….. to vote for Al Gore … ha ha ha ha.
BUSH: That’s why you’re losing Al. Because you are not a regular guy like me. I’m just like the average American.
BUCHANAN: Average American? Of course you are, George. You’re dumb as sh**, and you drink too much!
GORE: You always were an elitist, Pat.
BUSH: One more crack out of you, Pat, and I’m getting my dad’s secret service.
MODERATOR: Gentlemen, I’m afraid we’ll have to have your closing remarks.
NADER: Vote for me. I like trees. A vote for Nader is a vote for a tree.
GORE: A vote for Nader is a wasted vote because it’s really a vote for Bush. Vote for me.
BUSH: OK … wait a minute. If a vote for Nader is a vote for me .. and since I want me to win … I guess I’m really saying: “Vote for NADER”!
BUCHANAN: George W. — why don’t you vote for me. I’m the most conservative.
GORE: Well, Pat, if he does … that may be the only vote you get tomorrow.
BUCHANAN: OK … here’s my closing statement. I may not know the difference between brie and a tree. All I know is that one of them you spread on a cracker. A vote for Pat is a vote to help this poor starving unemployed cement-mixers.
MODERATOR: Thank you gentlemen. I just want everyone to know that after listening to your remarks … I’m moving to Canada.
-Jack —- Alright …. I don’t know if it is that funny. I scribbled this as I was waiting for my plane to arrive. I’m sure you are all dying for my prediction and here it is …. I think it will be Bush 47%, Gore 47%, Nader 4%, Buchanan 1%, Others 1%. Bush wins the popular vote but Gore wins electoral college 270-268 in closest election in 100 years. We won’t know the real winner until Wednesday morning.